Biological Warfare
by Jemascola
Summary: Stewie resorts to the use of a biological weapon to get revenge on Brian.
1. Chapter 1

**Biological Warfare**

_**By Joe**_

**Chapter 1**

It was an ordinary Saturday afternoon at the Griffin house. Peter had the day off from the brewery, so he stayed at home and remained idle most of the time. At the present, he and the others were seated on the couch, watching TV. Lois had the channel set to one of the local channels for Stewie to watch _Thomas the Tank Engine_.

"_Thomas the Tank Engine_? Woman, you must be brain-dead to think that I would enjoy such a loathsome show like that!" Stewie shouted in anger.

"Now, now, Stewie, you'll like it," Lois said. "If you don't watch it, then you won't get any dessert tonight."

"Damn," Stewie muttered, as he turned his head to watch the show.

On the TV, Thomas was chugging along on the railway, when he suddenly was stopped by James. "Oh, hello there, James," Thomas said.

James whispered, "Thomas, you do realize that I'm not really a boy, right?"

Thomas gulped, "Oh, no-no-no. I never knew that! You're kidding me!"

Then, the fat controller, Sir Topham Hatt showed up. "Thomas! James! Get back to work, or you won't be useful engines."

"Ah, shut the fuck up, fatass," James snorted. "I know about your secret stashes of pot that you have at your office."

"Who the hell told you?" Sir Topham Hatt demanded.

Back in the Griffin living room, Peter and Stewie laughed hysterically. Lois was shocked to say the least. "What happened to that show? I thought it was family-oriented."

"No, no, Lois. Please, let me watch the rest. I am dying with laughter," Stewie said.

"Oh, come on, Stewie, that wasn't funny," Brian snapped. "Face it, you wouldn't know good comedy if it bit you on your penis."

"You sicken me, mutt. You're so gray and dull and tasteless that it's no wonder you haven't been married yet," Stewie sneered.

"That's it!" Brian said. "You've pushed it too far, now! And what about you, smartass? You don't have any girlfriends, either."

"Of course not, that's because I'm gay," Stewie said flatly.

"AH HA! A confession!" Brian shouted. He turned to the rest of the Griffins. "Oh man, did you hear that, guys? Stewie's gay!"

"No-no-no-no-no! He's lying! He tricked me! Don't listen to him, I'm begging you!" Stewie pleaded. Brian stood in his place, smugly smiling at Stewie. "That's it, I'm going to get my revenge on you, Brian! You won't know how or when, but I'll find some way to get back at you!" Stewie ran off upstairs to his room.

The rest of the Griffins were silent for about an entire minute. Peter broke the silence with his laughter and then said, "Sir Topham Hatt's a fatass."


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Stewie was in his room with his stuffed animal companion, Rupert. He looked at him and spoke, "Oh, Rupert, what am I to do about that blasted dog and his antics? Hmm…maybe I should slice his head off with an axe. Nah, too cliché. Um…maybe I can build some robot and scare him into the doghouse and then board him up and blow him up inside? No, not good enough."

Stewie was in a rut. He couldn't think of a thing that was good enough to satisfy his anger toward Brian. Just then, he looked up and heard Lois and Peter in the hallway, talking.

"Hey, Lois, look, a mosquito. Come on, mosquiti. Bite me! Bite me now, bitch!" Peter said.

"Peter, that's not such a good idea. You don't want to get the West Nile Virus or the Bird Flu, do you? You can feel really miserable for extended periods of time and then die," Lois said.

"Nah, I'm not the slightest bit worried about that," Peter said. "I just want this cute little mosquito to bite me."

"That's it, Rupert! I'll spread a disease so sinister…so horrible…that Brian will suffer miserably in pain…and then…he'll DIE! Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

The next day, Stewie went downstairs and got on his tricycle. He opened the door and rode on out. However, Lois stopped him as he was pedaling out. Stewie shot around and saw that Lois was there. "Stewie, honey, where are you going?"

"Um…" thought Stewie. "I'm going to the _candy shop_. I want a _lolli_."

"Well, you're too young to go by yourself," Lois said. "I'll have to drive you there."

"No, vile woman, I changed my mind! I just want to ride around in the backyard like a good boy."

"Okay, then, Stewie, have fun," Lois said, letting Stewie ride away. She then shut the door.

Stewie, however, had other plans. He rode out onto the street and pedaled as fast as he could, even though it wasn't easy to do with plastic wheels. "Yes, this is it! Now I can go to the airport and stowaway to Afghanistan, where I'll hold a meeting with its prominent figure…Osama Bin Laden!"

Suddenly, the front wheel on Stewie's tricycle broke, and Stewie could no longer move. "Damn," he muttered. "Oh well, I guess I can always hail a taxi." He then stood by the sidewalk and waited for a taxi to pass by. About an hour passed, and one still didn't arrive. "What the hell? Where's the taxi?"

Suddenly, he heard a deep voice from behind him. "Umm…maybe you should go to like the city or something."

"Who the hell said that?" Stewie asked, turning around. His eyes widened when he saw two familiar looking people. "Beavis and Butthead. What the deuce?"

"Yeah. Heh heh. We're like here to hook up with chicks and stuff," Beavis said. "Heh heh heh."

"Oh, I've got something you can hook up with," Stewie said. Beavis and Butthead snickered continuously. Then, Stewie took a big metal baseball bat out of his pocket and whacked the boys unconscious. "That's for being such stupid dullards!" Stewie shouted. He then ran off towards the city.

Stewie got to the city and saw plenty of taxi cabs driving around. He waved for one that drove close to him, and it stopped. Stewie got inside. "Yes, take me to the Quahog airport, please," he stated.

"Stewie?" a voice asked.

Stewie nervously looked up. "Brian! You mean you're still a taxi driver? I thought Cleveland destroyed your cab!"

"Yeah, but we had the police take care of him," Brian said. "He's in solitary confinement, now. So tell me, why the hell are you going to the airport?"

"Well, Brian, I want to go to France so I can get married to some bubbly gay guy named Pierre," Stewie lied.

"I knew you were gay all along," Brian smirked. "All right, I'll take you for free, but you'd better not tell anybody that I did this for you."

"Okay, _Brian_!" Stewie grinned. He snickered evilly to himself. Brian was the butt of the joke, rather than him. Stewie was _not_ going to France, unlike Brian thought. He smiled, thinking about how ignorant Brian was. Quahog was unusually crowded, so it was harder for Brian to pass through town quickly. It took about half an hour before they got to the airport. Stewie got out and thanked Brian for the favor. He shut the door, and Brian drove off.

Stewie hurried inside the airport and searched for a wall of monitors that displayed flight times. After a while of looking, he finally found such a wall and scanned it for flights to Afghanistan. "Hmm…flight 88G in five minutes? Sounds good," Stewie said. He went to the concourse where the passengers were to board the plane and sat in one of the seats and waited for the moment when the time came to load the plane. Not long afterward, the passengers got up and went through the gate to the airplane. Stewie was so small that he blended in with all the other passengers, able to pass without a ticket.

Upon getting on the plane, Stewie got a window seat and looked out the window. Within minutes, the plane backed up and then rocketed forward, eventually tilting upward. Stewie's face turned pale green. "Ugh…I think I'm gonna be sick…" Stewie groaned, throwing up in his lap. "I wish Brian were here." Stewie stopped, immediately getting over his motion sickness. "Wait a minute, what am I saying? I want to _kill_ Brian, not want his company, damn it! Damn me and my bisexual tendencies."


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Back at the Griffin residence, Lois was in the kitchen, setting the table for lunch. She then placed ham sandwiches at each plate on the table with apple juice. On Stewie's high chair, she put some baby food and a sippy cup full of milk. She then went into the living room and called the others for lunch. "Lunch is ready!"

The Griffins milled into the kitchen and sat down to eat. Brian was there as well. He only drove taxis in the morning, so he had the rest of the day off with the family. Lois opened the back door and called Stewie in. "Stewie, time for lunch!" she called. But there was no response. There was no sign of Stewie anywhere as a matter of fact. "Oh my gosh, Stewie's missing!" she cried.

"What's wrong, Lois?" Peter asked.

"Stewie's gone!" Lois cried, coming back in. She turned to the others. "Does anyone know where he is?" The Griffins shook their heads, except for Brian. Brian looked very nervous, and he began panting in fear. "Brian…" Lois asked warningly. "Do you know where Stewie is?"

"Um…no, Lois, I don't as a matter of fact," he fibbed. Lois gave him a hard stare, and he grinned sheepishly at first, but then gave in. "All right, all right," he sighed, "I was driving my taxi in the city, and all of a sudden, Stewie called me over."

"Stewie was in the CITY!" Lois shouted.

"Now hang on, Lois," Brian said. "He then wanted me to take him to the airport so he could go to France and get married to some guy named Pierre."

Lois passed out on the floor. The other Griffins looked at her with concern. "Um…Lois…are you going to eat that sandwich?" Peter asked.

Meanwhile, Stewie's plane flew over the desert of Afghanistan. "We're here! We're finally here!" exclaimed Stewie.

"Not quite," said the passenger next to Stewie. He was a man wearing a gray jacket. "We have about half an hour to go before we arrive at the airport, which is in the urban Afghanistan."

"I don't have time for this," complained Stewie. He smashed the window of the plane and somersaulted out, tumbling thousands of feet to the sandy mountains of Afghanistan. His fall was softer than he anticipated. He then wandered around. "Yoo hoo…Osama Bin Laden…where are you?" he called. There was no reply. "I've got a helpless American for you! Come get it, boy!" Stewie shouted.

Just then, Osama Bin Laden and other Al-Quaida members rushed over to Stewie. "Are you the helpless American?" Bin Laden asked.

"No, I'm not the helpless American, you skinny little jackass!" Stewie sneered. "I have a wager for you…"

"This better be good," Bin Laden growled.

"Okay, okay…I'll loan you my teddy bear Rupert in exchange for all your stockpiles of smallpox."

Bin Laden and the Al-Quaida members mumbled amongst themselves in Arabic. But then, they looked at Stewie with an angry stare. "Are you kidding me…a teddy bear named _Rupert_?" Bin Laden grumbled.

"Wh-what? You want something else?"

"Oh, hell no! I always wanted a teddy bear named Rupert! Bin Laden rushed inside one of his caves and pulled out several barrels of smallpox. "Here's all I got."

"Thanks, Mr. Bin Laden," Stewie said sweetly. "Always nice to do business with an evil, insane military leader. And by the way, here's Rupert." Stewie tossed Rupert at Bin Laden and drug all his barrels of smallpox away.

"Ah, look at him, guys, isn't he so cute?" Bin Laden said in a bubbly way. The other Al-Quaida members "awwed" at Rupert, but suddenly, a loud explosion was heard, and lots of smoke emitted from where they once stood.

"HA!" Stewie laughed as he looked back, seeing the smoke. "Those bastards should have known that there was a bomb implanted in that 'fake Rupert' toy. Ha! Thank goodness the real Rupert is intact." But then, a blue bear fell out of Stewie's overalls. "What's this?" Stewie asked. He saw that the words "FAKE RUPERT" were written on the belly. "Then…that means that…I BLEW UP THE REAL RUPERT! Noooooooo!" wailed Stewie. "What have I done?" He sobbed hysterically for 5 whole minutes.

Stewie wandered for several more hours, eventually making it to an Afghan city. He located the airport and went as a stowaway on another plane to America. He was just about to enter the gate to the airplane, when a security guard stopped him.

"Whoa, whoa, there, little guy. Just what's inside those barrels?"

"Um…nuclear waste for Iran?" Stewie said.

"Oh, okay then," the guard said, letting him onboard.

"Ha! That dullard forgot that this plane is for America! What a dunce!"

Stewie arrived at the Quahog airport several hours later, and he drug his barrels of smallpox through the city with him and returned to the Griffin house within an hour.

It was nighttime, and the Griffins were a bit anxious about Stewie. They did not call the police, however, as he was not gone long enough to be called a "missing child." Stewie crept into the backyard with his barrels of smallpox and looked through the kitchen window to see if the Griffins were present. He could see that Lois, Peter, Meg, and some short boy with short brown hair and a plaid shirt were in the living room. Stewie quickly went to the screened-in porch and looked through the door to see what was going on. Meg and the boy walked out the front door with their arms around each other. Stewie opened the door to the screened-in porch quietly.

"Have a good time with Joe, Meg," Lois called as she shut the front door. Then, Lois and Peter saw Stewie. "Stewie!" cried Lois. She rushed over to him and hugged him. "Where have you been? Mommy's been worried."

"I'll bet she has," Stewie said. "For your information, I was stuck in a tree the whole day! But nobody came to my rescue! And don't believe any of that bullshit Brian said about me. It isn't ture."

"Oh, I'm so glad I have my baby back," Lois said, hugging Stewie to her face affectionately.

"Agh! Get off me, vile woman! I hate your guts! I can't stand you! I…uh…" he stopped, realizing he liked the close feeling with Lois. "You're…soft…" he purred as he hugged her face, then falling asleep.

Lois took Stewie off and took him upstairs to his crib. She placed him inside and shut the door to his room. Stewie slept for about half an hour, but he awoke when he realized that he was no longer clinging to Lois's soft, warm face. "Agh! Where am I?" Stewie looked around, realizing he was in his room. "Back in my room, am I? I'd better go back outside and get my barrels of smallpox before someone else gets it."

Stewie raced out of his room and went downstairs, passing by Lois and Peter, who were making love on the sofa. Just then, the front door creaked open. Stewie hid behind the sofa, and he watched who entered the door. Meg and the boy, Joe, went inside the house, but they looked shocked when they saw Lois and Peter on the sofa.

Joe looked especially shocked. "I…think I'll be going now," Joe said. "See you later," he said to Meg, racing home as fast as he could.

"Now look what you've done!" Meg yelled. "If you're going to make out, do it upstairs, or at least lock the door!" She ran upstairs to her room. Peter and Lois continued to make out, and Stewie watched the movement from the side.

"Ew, she's right, how can they do that in **_public_**? No matter, I have biological weapons to import," he muttered, hurrying outside.

Stewie dragged his barrels of smallpox onto the patio and then looked through the door to see if Lois and Peter were still on the sofa. They were, unfortunately, but they were turned to the side, so they couldn't see Stewie. He opened the door and quickly took his barrels of smallpox up the stairs and into his room. He had several close calls when he thought Lois and Peter caught him, but fortunately, they didn't see him.

Stewie placed his barrels by his window, and then, he got back in his crib and fell asleep. He smiled, knowing he would have his sweet revenge on Brian the very next morning.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

The next morning, Stewie felt unusually feverish and itchy. "Damn," he muttered. "What the hell is wrong with me? I've never felt this horrible in all my life." He then unbuttoned his pajamas and saw giant, bubbling red pock marks. He screamed. "My gosh! What's happened to me? These large, hideous pock marks! Agh! There must have been a leak in one of the barrels! _I_ must have contracted smallpox!"

Brian walked inside Stewie's room. He grinned smugly. "Well, well, Stewie. Have a case of smallpox, do we?" He laughed, acting as though he knew something.

"What do you know, dog?" Stewie asked.

"Oh, I dunked your head into one of those smallpox barrels last night," Brian said casually.

"YOU WHAT!" roared Stewie.

"Yeah," breathed Brian. "Well, I guess you'll have a slow and painful death. Bye bye, now." Brian walked out of the room.

"Oh-no you don't!" snapped Stewie. He then grabbed Brian by the neck. Brian yelled loudly for help and flailed around. But it was no use. Stewie opened the lid for the smallpox barrel and dunked Brian inside. Brian breathed in the fumes.

"You idiot!" Brian yelled. "Don't you realize now that this will infect the rest of the family? Smallpox is contagious!"

"Damn…" Stewie muttered, as he heard the other Griffins yelling and panicking.

The Griffins has a meeting in the living room at that moment. "Okay, okay, let's not panic…we have smallpox. It's no big deal," Peter said.

"Peter, it _is_ a big deal," snapped Brian. "Smallpox is a deadly, infectious disease that we wiped out over 25 years ago. We don't want to bring it back and infect everyone else with it."

"How the hell did we get smallpox, anyway?" Lois asked.

"Ow! Ow!" Peter yelled. He was scratching his butt.

"Peter, what's wrong?" Lois asked.

"I've got this really big pock mark on my butt that I'm trying to break open, but it hurts real bad every time I try," Peter said, continuing to scratch, followed by several loud yelps of pain.

"Peter, scratching your pock marks will only make it worse," Brian said.

"How are we going to get rid of our smallpox?" Chris asked.

"We'll have to wait several weeks. And some of us might die," Meg said grimly.

"Isn't there anyway we can get rid of this?" Chris wondered.

"Maybe there is…" Peter said slyly.

Meanwhile, Mayor Adam West was in his office, enjoying his taffy. "I'm a man who loves his taffy," he said, chewing it like mad. Then, his phone rang, and he answered it. "Mayor Adam West speaking, lover of taffy. What can Mr. Taffy do for you?"

"Yeah," Peter said on the other line, "this is Peter Griffin, and me and my family, well, we kinda got smallpox for practically no reason. Do you have any cures or anything for it?"

"Well…why don't you roll around in the sewers?" Adam West suggested.

"Sounds great! Let's roll!" Peter said.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

The Griffins got inside the car and drove to the local sewer. It was only about a 5 minute drive from their house, and they parked in the employee parking lot. They walked down to a large, open pool of icky slime and gunk.

"Come on, everybody, let's get in," Peter said, as the Griffins started shedding their clothes.

"Eww," Meg said. "I don't wanna go in there."

"Come on, it won't be that bad," Peter said. "I drank out of this sewer before when I was thirsty."

"You can't be serious," Lois said.

"Yeah, I am. I was about 5 years old, and I wanted a drink, so I drank right out of the sewer."

"Hmm…no wonder you're so stupid," Stewie remarked.

"Shut up, dumbass, it's your own fault we all have smallpox!" Brian yelled. He then shut his mouth.

"Damn you, dog!" Stewie yelled back. The Griffins all looked at Stewie angrily.

"Stewie! Is that true?" barked Lois.

"Um…well, it wasn't my fault. See, the truth is, I wasn't stuck in a tree. I took a plane to Afghanistan to get some smallpox stockpiles from Osama Bin Laden. I got the smallpox because I meant to kill Brian, not the rest of you," Stewie admitted.

"WHAT!" all the Griffins shouted. They all piled up on Stewie and started beating the crap out of him.

Suddenly, Stewie woke up screaming. He looked around him. It was morning. Stewie checked himself. He didn't have any pock marks to his relief. "Whew! It was all a dream. What a relief." Stewie looked over at the smallpox barrels and then, he saw Brian walking by. "Brian…oh, Brian…"

Brian entered the room. "Yeah, what is it?" he asked. Stewie suddenly jumped out of his crip, slapped Brian, got a hold of him, opened the barrel of smallpox, threw Brian inside, sealed the barrel shut, and then sprayed his room with a disinfectant.

"There we go, now we're even for you revealing that I am gay," Stewie sneered. He hurried out of the room.

"Come on, Stewie, let me out of here!" complained Brian. He banged from the inside of the barrel. "Hello? Hello? Anybody there?"

**The End**


End file.
